Cloud's Angels
by Carbuncle
Summary: Aeris, Tifa and Yuffie are Cloud's Angels! Yeah, yeah, well I'm desperate for ideas! The Turks make an appearance in here, too!


FINAL FANTASY VII  
  
Cloud's Angels  
  
(open to Shin-Ra HQ. Reno, Rude and Elena are inside the reception area)  
Reno: Okay Elena, did you get the goods?  
Elena: Y-Yes sir...  
Reno: Let me see! (grabs a brown bag from Elena and looks inside) Ah! Excellent job, Elena!  
Elena: Th-Thank you, Reno!  
Reno: Elena, Rude, let us get to work. We must deliver this to our supplier as soon as possible.  
  
(cut to 7th Heaven. Barrett, Tifa, Aeris and Yuffie are all in the basement. There is a speaker on the desk)  
Cloud: (on the speaker) ...and so I want you lovely Angels to find out what the Turks are up to and put an end to their evil deeds.  
Tifa: Well, we'll certainly try our best, Cloud.  
Aeris: Yeah, you can count on us!  
Barrett: 'Scuse me, Cloud, but do we have any proof that the Turks are actually up to anythin' illegal?  
Cloud: (on the speaker) No, but we do know that a large shipment of drugs was stolen from the Midgar Drug Rehabilitation Center last night, and they've obviously been snatched by criminal masterminds aka the Turks. Barrett, I want you and the Angels to track them down and kill them! Uh, I mean, recover the stolen drugs and send their butts to jail.  
Barrett: We'll get right on it, Cloud.  
Cloud: (on the speaker) Oh, and Angels?  
Aeris & Tifa & Yuffie: Yes Cloud?  
Cloud: (on the speaker) Be careful. If you survive this mission and bring back the loot, then I may just let you girls feast upon my good looks for the first time.  
Aeris: Really?! We'll try to act surprised then!  
Cloud: (on the speaker) Pardon?  
Aeris: Nothing Cloud!  
Tifa: Let's get to work, Angels!  
  
=====================Charlie's Angels Theme Song Plays=====================  
  
(cut to the Sector 7 Slums. Barrett, Tifa, Aeris and Yuffie walk outside)  
Aeris: So how should we start our inquiries, Barrett?  
Barrett: Well Aeris, I think the best thin' to do would be to start askin' around for information. I'll let you handle that, Yuffie, 'cause you're the one with the big mouth.  
Yuffie: Hey, whaddya mean by that?!  
Barrett: Uh, I mean 'cause you're the best communicator of the group.  
Yuffie: Of course!  
Tifa: What should Aeris and I do?  
Barrett: Tifa, I want you and Aeris...  
Aeris: ...to?  
Barrett: No, I just want you.  
Aeris: Hmph! Barrett, you're such a tease!  
Tifa: What do you seriously want us to do?  
Barrett: Tifa, you are to see what kind of dirt you can dig up on the Turks - anythin' at all that could help us nail their asses.  
Aeris: And me?  
Barrett: Aeris, you have the most important job of all. I want you to take this 25 gil (hands her some money) and get some lunch for me an' the girls. Ya can meet us back here at lunch time, 'kay?  
Aeris: (sighs) Okay...  
Tifa: What'll you be doing, Barrett?  
Barrett: I'll be takin' my daughter to school. She's startin' kindergarten today, y'know.  
  
(cut to the Sector 5 Slums. Yuffie is there with a pair of teenagers)  
Yuffie: So you two didn't see anythin' weird happen outside the Midgar Drug Rehabilitation Center last night, did you?  
Girl: (whacked out on drugs) For... for the last time... no!  
Boy: (whacked out on drugs) Totally, man!  
Yuffie: A'ight then! (leaves)  
Boy: Man, we seriously gotta get some more o' that shit...  
Girl: Totally! My head is, like, totally trippin' now!  
  
(cut to Wall Market. Tifa is inside the local restaurant with the waiter)  
Tifa: So how many times a day would you usually expect the Turks to eat here?  
Waiter: Oh, zey usually come in 'ere about three times a day. First zey come in for breakfast at around 8:30am, zen lunch at about 12:45pm, zen dinner usually follows...  
Tifa: So they come here a lot then?  
Waiter: Oh yes! Zey are always 'ere! Although zey never leave me a very impressive tip! Mon deur!  
Tifa: Do you know if they've been involved in any, how should I put this, risky business lately?  
Waiter: I do not know. Why are you asking me all zese questions? Are you a reporter?  
Tifa: No, but can I get a job here?  
Waiter: What?  
Tifa: I have to get a job here. I have to keep a close eye on the Turks and the only way I can do that is if I get a job here in your restaurant.  
Waiter: What?  
Tifa: Look, this sort of thing happens all the time, okay? Cloud's Angels have to go undercover and get weird jobs and crap or there's just no decent plot in the episodes and the criminals'll get away with all kinds of crazy stuff.  
Waiter: What?!  
Tifa: Just gimme a job, all right?!  
  
(cut to 7th Heaven. Barrett, Tifa, Aeris and Yuffie are in the basement together. Barrett dishes out some food)  
Barrett: Mmm... beef jerky! So, did you three find any useful info?  
Yuffie: Naw!  
Tifa: I managed to get myself a job at the local restaurant. I hear the Turks eat there most days. I thought maybe I could perhaps eavesdrop on their conversations the next time they stop by.  
Barrett: (eating) Good idea, Tifa. (the phone rings and he answers) Hello, Strife Agency. (pause) Oh, hello Cloud. (transfers him to the speaker)  
Cloud: (on the speaker) How's the case going, Angels?  
Tifa: So far so good, Cloud. I start work at the Wall Market Restaurant tomorrow. Hopefully I'll be able to keep a close eye on the Turks when they come in to eat.  
Cloud: (on the speaker) Excellent work, Tifa. You know, you were always my favourite Angel.  
Tifa: Thank you, Cloud.  
Cloud: (on the speaker) Oh, and by the way, Barrett, have you seen my toothbrush?  
  
(cut to the Wall Market Restaurant, the next day. Tifa is behind the counter with the waiter)  
Tifa: Shouldn't they be here by now?  
Waiter: It is not even 8:30am yet, Ms. Lockheart. Be patient.  
Tifa: Ugh, I haven't got all day!  
Waiter: Yes, you have. You're 'ere till 7:30pm. (the Turks walk in) Ah, 'ere zey are now.  
Tifa: At last. I'll handle this, Jean-Paul. (walks over to the Turks table) Hi, what can I get you folks?  
Reno: I'll have my usual.  
Rude: ...  
Elena: And I'll have some tomato soup.  
Reno: Ah, Elena, you know you can't eat tomato soup. (to Tifa) She'll have the spaz salad.  
Tifa: Thank you, sir. (walks back behind the counter)  
Rude: ...  
Reno: You're right, Rude. I think I've seen her somewhere before, too. We better keep a close eye on her. I think she could be trouble.  
  
(cut to the Sector 7 Slums. Aeris is on the PHS)  
  
(cut to 7th Heaven. Barrett is in the basement. The phone rings and he answers)  
Barrett: Hello, Strife Agency.  
Aeris: (on the phone) Barrett, it's me.  
(the screen splits into two parts with Barrett on the left and Aeris on the right)  
Barrett: Oh, hi Aeris! How're things?  
Aeris: I found some useful infomation that might be of considerate help to us.  
Barrett: What is it?  
Aeris: Well, I've just been down to the drug rehab and the doctor there showed me some video footage of the crime which took place on that very night the drugs were stolen.  
Barrett: And?  
Aeris: You're not going to believe this, but the footage showed a woman in a blue suit breaking into the drugs cabinet and taking the entire supply of drugs.  
Barrett: Woman in a blue suit... why does that sound familiar?  
Aeris & Barrett: Elena of the Turks!!  
Aeris: Exactly!  
Barrett: So the Turks are our men! I'll get on the line to Tifa!  
Aeris: Right! Yuffie and I will call the cops and then head on down to the restaurant ourselves.  
Barrett: Okay! See ya later, ho! (puts the phone down)  
  
(cut to the Wall Market Restaurant. Tifa is on the phone)  
Tifa: Oh my God! Are you sure, Barrett?  
Barrett: (on the phone) Yeah, make sure those damn Turks don't leave that restaurant! Aeris has called the cops and they should be there soon!  
Tifa: 'Kay. (puts the phone down)  
Reno: Well, we better go now, guys. We have a lot to do today. (gets up)  
Tifa: (runs over to them) Wait a sec, guys! You-You're not leaving, are you?!  
Reno: We have work to do. We'll be back for lunch though.  
Tifa: Wh-Why don't you all sit back down? Let me shout you a free meal, on the house of course!  
Reno: ...  
Rude: ...  
Tifa: What?  
Reno: To say free meal would already suggest it was on the house.  
Tifa: Yeah, I get nervous when I panic.  
Reno: Panic? What's to panic about?  
Tifa: Uh... nothing! What would you three like to eat?  
Reno: Listen missy, we don't want anything! Now leave us alone before I really lose my temper!  
Tifa: Look, uh, if you stay for one more meal then I'll, uh, I'll dance around in my underwear for you!  
Reno: ...  
Rude: ...  
Tifa: Yeah? What do you say?  
Reno: I don't know what kinda game you're trying to play here, missy. Just get out of the way.  
(Aeris, Yuffie and the cops burst in)  
Cop: Freeze scumbags!  
Reno: What the?! Is this a bust?!  
Tifa: Hee hee!  
Reno: You little...! (pulls out a knife and grabs Tifa)  
Tifa: Urk!  
Reno: Nobody move!  
Aeris: Tifa!  
Reno: You moved! (throws his knife at Aeris)  
(the knife pierces through Aeris's chest and kills her)  
Cop #2: Damn! I wasn't expectin' that! (to the Turks) Put your hands up, bastards!  
(the Turks surrender and the cops handcuff them)  
Cop: You're all under arrest for the theft and possession of illegal drugs!  
Reno: What the hell are you talkin' about?!  
Yuffie: My associate and I discovered you guys were the bastards who robbed the drug rehab center two days ago. The game's up, fruitcakes.  
Reno: I have no idea what you mean! We didn't do nothin', right guys?!  
Rude: ...  
Cop: (to Rude) Quiet you!  
Yuffie: We have proof. Video footage of (indicating Elena) this women inside the drug rehab, helpin' herself to the contents of the drug cabinet! Get outta that one, scumbags!  
Reno: Elena??  
Elena: Hey, it wasn't me!  
Yuffie: Don't try and wriggle out of it, ho! It's you all right! The camera never lies! 'Cept for the rare occasions when they actually do.  
Elena: But I wasn't anywhere near the Midgar Drug Rehabilitation Center on the night in question!  
Yuffie: Oh yeah?!  
Elena: Yes! I was with my boss Tseng. We were having an intimate dinner together. You can ask the waiter of THIS restaurant if you don't believe me!  
Tifa: Jean-Paul, is this true?  
Waiter: Yes, I remember it well. I caught zem making love in ze men's toilets just before closing time. Zat just made worst memory ever.  
Elena: (nervously) Eh heh heh!  
Yuffie: That can't be true! Us Angels are never wrong!  
Reno: There's always a first time, brat!  
Yuffie: (angry) Hey!  
Tifa: But if the Turks didn't take the drugs - then who did?!  
(the two teenagers from earlier walk in. The female one looks a lot like Elena. She has blonde hair and is wearing a blue jacket)  
Girl: (whacked out on drugs) Hey, man! Is... is this my house?  
Yuffie: Damn. Now I feel like a complete ass.  
Reno: Good! That'll teach you to trust people from now on! (a brown bag falls out of his jacket) Whoops!  
Tifa: (picks up the bag) Ah ha! What's this then?!  
Reno: Don't open that bag!  
Cop #2: Settle down, sir!  
Tifa: (opens the bag) Oh... (pulls a stuffed moogle out of the bag) ...how cute! A stuffed toy!  
Reno: Ergh, the President likes to collect those silly things... he doesn't like people to know he collects them though, so he gets us to do his dirty work for him.  
Elena: It only cost us 250 gil. Bargin, huh?!  
  
(cut to 7th Heaven. Barrett, Tifa and Yuffie are in the basement)  
Cloud: (on the speaker) I must say, Angels, I'm very disappointed in you. First you completely #@$% up the investigation and target the wrong goddamn people, and then you let a fellow Angel get killed, for God's sake!  
Tifa: ...  
Yuffie: ...  
Cloud: (on the speaker) Well, I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I cannot reveal my stunning good looks to you now. I hope you're both really, really proud of yourselves.  
Tifa: ...  
Yuffie: ...  
Cloud: (on the speaker) And Barrett, I still can't find my goddamn toothbrush! Did I leave it at your house last night?  
Barrett: ... (Tifa and Yuffie giggle)  
  
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THE END__________  
  
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--------------DEDICATED TO THE VICTIMS OF THE WTC TRAGEDY--------------  



End file.
